People often come into therapy heartbroken after ending a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The intense flattery, attention, and obsession that a person with BPD showers on their partner at the beginning can be exhilarating. This initial adoration can make their partner feel incredibly important and valued, creating an addictive high that is hard to let go of.

However, the dynamic often shifts dramatically. When someone with BPD feels threatened or insecure, they may lash out with rage, devalue their partner, and make threats that are as intense as their initial praise. This sudden change can be confusing and disorienting for the partner. Many find themselves denying the severity of these outbursts, holding onto the hope that the loving, euphoric phase will return if they can just endure the turmoil a little longer. When the person with BPD senses that their partner is at their breaking point, they often revert to the obsessive flattery, pulling their partner back into the cycle.

This cycle is known as intermittent reinforcement—rewards that come unpredictably, much like playing a slot machine. The occasional bursts of affection and validation keep the partner hooked, making it incredibly difficult to break free.

So, what keeps people stuck in these relationships?

Living with the emotional abuse and unpredictability common in BPD relationships can erode a person’s confidence and self-worth. Partners often develop low self-esteem and may even feel worthless. The fear of retaliation, violence, or threats of suicide from the person with BPD can also trap partners in the relationship. Additionally, a strong need to rescue, keep the peace, or avoid conflict can lead partners to tolerate extreme behaviors, including infidelity and the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases, because they fear being labeled as controlling or needy.

To break free from this toxic cycle, it’s essential to ask yourself, “What would I be doing with my life if I weren’t trying to manage and cope with this person?” Addressing this question can be the first step toward self-empowerment and reclaiming your life.

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